Colbie Callait is set to repeat on my youtube station at the moment. She makes me feel all funny inside. As I will explain below.
So you all should probably excuse everything I say today as PMS, but two days ago I was playing "Imagine Iff" with some work friends at my apartment and they dubbed me as "the one most likely to kiss a frog if I thought it'd turn into a prince." I was secretly miffed about that sort-of label as Katie continued to tell me how I was a dreamer and still believe in love and fantasies, despite everything that had happened in the past year with David.
The more I think about it, the more . . . just . . . ugh. It makes me feel. I mean, I guess we all would say we're looking for the one "real" thing, the relationship that makes us oh-so selfless, has our hair standing on end, makes you excited to wake up and changes the way you view the world, but does that even exist? My doubt is what made me settle with David in the first place, my logic that "love" was just something we made for ourselves. And yes, I do still think that's true--we grow into love, not fall into it.
But at the same time, I want so much to fall in love. To be hopelessly smitten, to want to die than be without the person. Maybe I'm just a loner naturally, but I've never felt that way before. I feel affectionate about people, yes. There's people I feel so close to that often when I see them I want to kneel right at that moment and thank God for the blessing they are in my life, but it's not the same "love" that we all really want.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll never be satified with a partner because I'm looking for that "perfect" person. I'm looking for a disney story like Tangled, and that just doesn't exist. But then part of me also thinks "why the heck not?" I mean, I'm sure that if my mom had wanted my dad to propose to her in a boat with millions of lanterns surrounding them, he'd have tried his darndest to make that happen. At least I think so. I want someone to love me so much that they're willing to do that for me, and when that happens, I want to be able to look in their eyes and feel so much SOMETHING that it overpowers the awkwardness of the situation.
I guess I just feel a little lethargically sad right now. It's a panicky day. One of those days when everything that's happened in the past year comes rushing back in a messy little mush and makes me feel so overwhelmed.
Ah, well. It's something to think about.
Also, I've decided to start a fake band.